Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Dear Bloggy,
I was reading a blog that Dear showed me. Very inspiring and self-reflective, I would say. It made me slow down my pace and looked back on what I've been missing out in life. It gave me the courage to tell Dear those stuff before we got together as well. Two-thumbs up plus 5-Stars. I happened to come across this statement by the author:
“To live is to first dare to love, then experience the heartache of losing it and finally finding the courage to love correctly again.” - by Antoni @ http://www.anntonii.blogspot.com
Looking up, I saw "the memory". I've finally decided to do something. Something that I should be doing nearly 2 years ago, but I didn't, or rather, I don't bear to. I finally took it off my board after it has been there, close to 4 years.
"the memory"
If you've seen this, you must be surprised and yes, it's still around. Although this is not the 1st gift you've given to me, but it's the 1st gift after you came back to me. It was for our 1st month anniversary dated, 1st Oct, 2004.
I still remembered we quarreled the night before, cos you're so tied-down financially that you couldn't afford to get me a anniversary present. I told you it's okie, I don't need anything materialistic, but still you vented ur frustration on me, and we ended the conversation in the most unpleasant way.
The next day we meet and you presented "the memory" to me, telling me you bought the lil' card and lil' bunch of flowers with ur last penny, stayed up till wee hours to complete this. I remembered you showed me the drawing when we're 1st together, I liked it and requested to have it. But you said no, cos you liked it alot too, despite me looking real disappointed. After seeing the drawing there, I was almost moved to tears. That's when I know I'll love you for long time.
Although we argued over minor issues time and again, we never failed to make it up. Do you still remembered we had a big quarrel nearly after our 1st year anniversary cos some idiot called you and told you to let him take care of me? And we didn't meet for the whole month. I thought, that's it, it's over. But no. We managed to clear things up. Then after, we spent the rest of the time happily, with minimal arguments.
It was then I decided that we should live our lifes individually. I see no future in us, and most importantly, my parents will never smile at us in acknowledgement. I felt terrible, lying to my mom that we've broken up and our meetings are always secretive. I feared holding hands in public, in case any relatives saw that and report to my mom. I hate the feeling of approaching one of my close guy friends and told him to pretend to be my bf, just to take a picture and show my mom to convince her that I'm no longer with you. Call me a chicken, a scaredy-cat, or what's not. I have no choice.
So I've decided to let go. It wasn't an easy process. No, I didn't cry after the breakup. Cos my tears dried up while making the decision. I lived a senseless life, and indulged into clubbing. It's a weekly routine for me. Maybe I was happy, or maybe I wasn't. I dunno cos I felt nothing.
One day, I saw your MSN nick and realized that you're attached, I felt happy for you, at the same time, depressed for myself. Our conversation tends to confine to only "Hi, how are you?", "I'm fine." and "Gtg, bye." most of the time. The long hours of laughing and crapping were gone, leaving behind a trail of awkwardness. Soon, we don't even chat anymore.
Then after, I started to date guys. I dunno what's my feeling towards them. I dunno have I truly forgot, or I allowed my selective memory to take control. I tried to give more and take in lesser. But I can't. One fine day, I met another guy. I really liked him, and I thought that he could grant me a fresh start in life, but it seems that he wasn't taking me for real. It's then back to Square One.
After nearly 2 years of obscurity, just when I thought I am going to celebrate 2 years of singlehood, Dear came along. After so long, he's the one that I'm willing to give in more and take in lesser, after you. It marks a new begining for us and I know he's the one that I'm searching for in these 2 years. I always told Dear about us and he doesn't mind as he will tell me stuff about his ex-gf which I always listened to attentively. Don't worry, I'm veri well taken care of now. And that's when I've totally let go, but it doesn't mean that I'll forget about you and the "the memory", just that I've safeguarded them somewhere inside, somewhere deep down in my heart.
Signing off with love,
Crystal...
You're my sweet addiction...
